Author: Texas Magnum

Light up the darkness

Arriving here to TDCJ was as I expected. It involved a lot of nudity and yelling, being told where to stand, where to look, go, speak, dress… but overall I could think of a lot worse. My first week was spent in the “Chicken Coops” which resemble something out of the movie Silent Hill. Rusted metal, and dirty everything, complete with rats climbing on the rafters above. While in the intake process, you to go to sociology and medical examinations, and orientation, as well as an IQ test. Once you are finished with those, you are moved to be housed

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Texas Magnum “catches chain”

From the Editor: Texas Magnum  “caught chain” today. For those who don’t know jail lingo, “catching chain” means that he was picked up for TDC prison transfer to the intake facility in Huntsville, in the wee hours this morning. In thr Texas prison system, every inmate starts out in Huntsville for processing and class designation. Physical, psychological, educational and vocational testing is done to determine what class an inmate starts out as and which unit he will be assigned to. They will be assigned their TDC Number, which will be their identity for the length of time they are incarcerated. My understanding is that

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Letting go

I’m mad. I’m anxious. I’m just all around worried. I sit here and sit here and sit here. And I go over and over how I could have lived my life different. I know I could have done better. I am scared for my future. All these thoughts bring nothing but negative emotions and urges. I feel like starting a fight with anyone who crosses me, I have the urge to use drugs, drink, shoot up. And I find myself judging others, in an attempt to defend my actions and outbursts and bad attitude. I know at moments like this,

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A dream with a message for me

My last post I wrote was about being in here with a man who is accused of the murder of a friend of mine. Well, it has caused me some stress. And, last night I had a dream with my dead friend in it! And, it was all wrapped up in drug and alcohol use. I am going to call my friend “Red” for this post, and tell you about the dream. I would like to know what you all make of it. It was REALLY strange because him and I were probably more technically acquaintances than close friends, and

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Doubts and uncertainty have found a foothold

Hi everyone, I want to share with you that I have been feeling so restless lately. To be honest I have been having a lot of urges to use drugs, and also a lot of doubts about being able to stay sober. I think some of it has to do with knowing that I am going to need to spend the rest of my life without drugs, and as strange as it may sound to some of you, that realization causes me some stress. Drug use has been a part of my life for so long now. That was my

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What do I have to be thankful for?

I am sitting here thinking about Thanksgiving which is this coming week and how much that was always a day that I have always enjoyed being with family. I will be missing all of it this year, but the past couple of years it seems that half of the time when it was a holiday or something I was in rehab somewhere anyway. I am mailing this tomorrow, but no matter what day it gets there, if it gets there before, I want it to get posted the night before Thanksgiving, because I know that is the time when I will probably

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It’s hard to help a friend from within prison

Today I was sitting here thinking about a friend of mine who lives in Tennessee. She is a lovely person, beautiful both inside and out, and I consider her one of my very best friends in the world. I have met her in person only once, for a few days, when I took a camping trip over to the Tennessee area and into the Smoky Mountains. I was 19 at the time, and by then we had known each other for about 3 years. We met playing an online game together! But meeting her was awesome, and she means a

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A fellow inmate reaches out

Today is the 17th of November, and it is a great day! The reason it is such a great day is that last night a fellow prisoner here at the county jail reached out. For the sake of this post, I am going to call him “Ali”. Ali and I were  just sitting around, and laughing with the guys. Anyway, I went back over to my bunk, deciding to call it a night. I was just getting ready to go to sleep, when Ali surprises me by saying “Man, it suck’s that you’re leaving already.” At first I was a

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Sitting in prison, daydreaming helps

It’s a beautiful day at the lake. My dog is with me today, he is happy, like always. Experiencing every smell like it could be the last thing he ever smells and the best smell ever. The grill is lit, and the smell of oak and mesquite is in the air. The day is more perfect than I could ever ask for. It’s a scorching hot day, one of those Texas July heats, but there is a slight breeze in the air. When that breeze hits my face I breath it in and feel the entire world inside of me.

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I am convicted and going to Texas Prison – a very real feeling sets in

Today is Nov 8th, I just got through washing clothes. For those who do not know, when you are in jail, you can either send your whites off to be washed by the jail laundry or wash your things by hand. I prefer to wash by hand. I never thought I would be washing my underwear by hand, but it’s actually pretty relaxing to just get lost in daydreams while scrubbing away, thinking of every thing I miss so much. Some-time, I even sing one of my favorite tunes to myself while I scrub. To wash my clothes, I crush

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Illusions by Richard Bach

I recently was lucky enough to pick up a good book off the book cart. Actually, this is the 2nd really good book I have grabbed. I think generally speaking the donated books we have to choose from are not so great, or at least not my taste. There are a lot of romance novels which aren’t for me. I have read a few westerns that were ok, and Twilight, which let me tell you, I didn’t like it. I think that book is written for women. The one other really good book I read so far while here is

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The things I miss on the outside

Today I woke up thinking about what to write. “How can I inspire people?” I thought. While I sat there thinking hard, I realized that not every blog post has to be insightful and not every thing needs to have special meaning. So maybe today I will just write about myself and some of what goes through my head these days. I’ve never been one to worry about the reason I am on this planet, I usually tend to just let the world carry me like a leaf in the wind. The truth is that’s probably why I am in

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Thank you for reaching out

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this blog site. I have received your messages and I want you to know that you all help me more than you can imagine. I have never been complimented on my thoughts so much. I always thought that what I had to say didn’t have any worth, but you all are helping me to believe in myself and my recovery. To everyone who is struggling with drugs or who knows and loves somebody who is suffering, I want to let you know that even when things seem at their lowest, things can

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Pieces of the puzzle

Today is Nov. 1st, the beginning of a new month and one month closer to the end of my sentence. The fact is I don’t wish for the time to race by, not even under these circumstances, because I know that one day I will miss even these times and that each day counts for something. What life is showing me is that I may not like my circumstances at the moment, but at some point in my life I will look back, maybe even with a smile, and understand why God cut my puzzle pieces into these shapes. What

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The Prison Museum in Huntsville, Texas

From the Editor: No new post from Texas Magnum today, but I ran across this site: www.txprisonmuseum.org Isn’t that something, a Museum devoted to Texas Prisons, in Huntsville. You can even purchase an engraved paving stone and become a patron. The museum has a bookstore that has quite a variety of prison related reads, including “Meals To Die For“, a book about Death Row inmates’ last meal requests and the recipes. I don’t know about you, but when and if I am in East Texas,  the Prison Museum will not be on my list of things to see. I have

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I am a convicted felon – A sad day of reflection for me

To the world: Today is the 28th of October, 2010. Just 4 days ago I signed papers at my court arraignment which convict me to 4 years in Texas Department of Corrections. It is a date I will remember for the rest of my life – the 24th day of October. Truthfully it was one of the most relieving yet sad feelings I have ever experienced. Relieved because I know now what to look forward to, and have at least a rough idea of a date of release. It’s also very sad to me though. Sad because this isn’t what

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A poem about heroin addiction: Venomous

As I anxiously wait for the magistrate’s date I sit and ponder my majestic mistakes. My crimes are gathered ’round me in a pool of shame, what a fool I was to think that alone I could change. Over and over poison coursed through my veins like venom from a lovely, deadly and devious snake. And all the while I prayed to God for God to fix the troubles caused by my own tortured state. Instead – He placed me in this iron-barred fate alone, all alone with my majestic mistakes. God, I cried, why is this to be my

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Fights over the TV in jail – Small things change a man

Today is Saturday and of course, a fight almost broke out due to the TV, and most likely there will be a fight tonight as well. A circumstance like this truly makes me think about the differences in inmates and how we decide to carry ourselves. On one side you have a type of man who has the mindset that prison was made for reacting. When I say reacting I mean that they react out on instinct and fear when a confrontation arises. They react with their fists first, not with their mind and heart. I believe that some men

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