Category: Growth and Change

Thank you for reaching out

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this blog site. I have received your messages and I want you to know that you all help me more than you can imagine. I have never been complimented on my thoughts so much. I always thought that what I had to say didn’t have any worth, but you all are helping me to believe in myself and my recovery.

To everyone who is struggling with drugs or who knows and loves somebody who is suffering, I want to let you know that even when things seem at their lowest, things can and do get better. I am in jail, headed to prison, some might consider this a low point in my life but my lowest was when I was out on the street using and feeling so much shame. Now I feel I am growing.

If any of you would like to write me a personal letter I would be happy to receive it and read what you have to say and learn what your story is. I truly believe that recovery cannot be done alone so let’s do it together and grow.

My whole life I have always been a giver, sometimes giving the wrong things and in the wrong ways, but I have always wanted to help when I saw someone needed something. Now I know that with a little kindness and an open heart I can help others and help myself too.

Peace, Love and Noodles ~ Magnum

Pieces of the puzzle

Today is Nov. 1st, the beginning of a new month and one month closer to the end of my sentence. The fact is I don’t wish for the time to race by, not even under these circumstances, because I know that one day I will miss even these times and that each day counts for something. What life is showing me is that I may not like my circumstances at the moment, but at some point in my life I will look back, maybe even with a smile, and understand why God cut my puzzle pieces into these shapes.

What I try to tell myself is that it doesn’t matter how difficult the puzzle is, or how long it takes me to find a spot for every piece until the picture is revealed. Every piece has it’s own place, each groove is made to fit into a notch, and it’s up to me to piece them together in the right way. Some parts will be easy to figure out, and some are going to be more difficult. I might need to work on a few of those corners and tough spots to get it right. But there is a whole picture there, and my puzzle pieces will all fit together if I keep working on it every day.

I am a convicted felon – A sad day of reflection for me

To the world:

Today is the 28th of October, 2010. Just 4 days ago I signed papers at my court arraignment which convict me to 4 years in Texas Department of Corrections. It is a date I will remember for the rest of my life – the 24th day of October.

Truthfully it was one of the most relieving yet sad feelings I have ever experienced. Relieved because I know now what to look forward to, and have at least a rough idea of a date of release. It’s also very sad to me though. Sad because this isn’t what I wanted for my family or for myself. Sad because it takes me going to prison to take a look at myself.

It’s inconceivable to me now, but when I think about these past couple of years, I always had this strange desire to go to prison, out of curiosity and something more. I always wanted to be the cool guy or the bad-ass in the crowd. Somehow I thought the excesses with drugs made me the bad-ass. I guess I thought going to prison was going to make me a bad-ass too. Now I see that going to prison doesn’t make you the bad-ass, it makes you the jackass.

What I have already had time to learn here in these past 3 months is that what makes a guy the bad-ass in prison is how you carry yourself. Not in the way that might seem obvious, but in the way that you can choose to go against the grain and do what you should have been doing all along. The bad-ass in prison is the man who comes out a changed man. Changed in the ways you should be.

I can’t expect the State of Texas to reform me into the man my family needs. It’s up to me and only me to become a real man. I don’t expect to become perfect, or not ever to fall, but even if I fall down or stumble there is always tomorrow or even the rest of that day to do right.

Peace to you all ~ Magnum

Fights over the TV in jail – Small things change a man

Today is Saturday and of course, a fight almost broke out due to the TV, and most likely there will be a fight tonight as well.

A circumstance like this truly makes me think about the differences in inmates and how we decide to carry ourselves. On one side you have a type of man who has the mindset that prison was made for reacting. When I say reacting I mean that they react out on instinct and fear when a confrontation arises. They react with their fists first, not with their mind and heart. I believe that some men just cannot swallow their pride, and cannot be OK with not being the big man, the one with the final say so.

Of course, in here you can’t let yourself get preyed on but you don’t have to fight if you don’t want, especially if you are not in danger. Who is the bigger man, the one who raises his fist or the one who prays for the other? My opinion is the one who prays for the other. It is easier said than done, but just as I decided to start a blog today, I also have to decide to grow, one step at a time.

I believe that even the small things change a man. You may see many inmates keep their personal areas a mess, so start by cleaning yours, and keeping it clean. This way you practice discipline. When someone angers you, pray for the individual. This way you can practice a little humility. These are the things I have personally decided to do, and I feel that these small things will help me in my journey of not returning to this place called prison.

As they say, “Life’s a trip” so I might as well enjoy the ride. There is no reason in me being miserable any more. Today is a new day, and another day that I’m going to say “yes I can.”

Peace be with you all,
Magnum Edit/Delete Message