Hi everyone, I want to share with you that I have been feeling so restless lately.

To be honest I have been having a lot of urges to use drugs, and also a lot of doubts about being able to stay sober. I think some of it has to do with knowing that I am going to need to spend the rest of my life without drugs, and as strange as it may sound to some of you, that realization causes me some stress. Drug use has been a part of my life for so long now. That was my way to cope with pretty much all the emotions and feelings that I had. I know I need to learn different ways to deal with feelings like anxiety, loneliness or sadness, and I need to be serious about that. It’s a scary and challenging thought for me, and the very thought of it causes me the sort of feelings that just a few short months ago I would have dealt with by getting high.

Another reason I may be having these thoughts and doubts now is that I have had a stressful situation arise here in the jail. Recently, a man who is accused of the murder of an acquaintance and friend of mine that occurred this past summer has come into our tank!

To complicate things even further, this friend, the one who was murdered, had previously been the boyfriend of a girl I was spending time with right before I was arrested. (There is even more to it than that but I won’t get into it for this post because it already sounds like one of the soap operas I have found myself watching on the television in here.)

The other day, I overheard the guy arrested for my friend’s murder, and he was talking bad about the girl. It really bothered me for some reason. Not because of feelings for her, she and I have no relationship any more. She actually left me high and dry when I was arrested. But, it still bothered me a lot when I overheard his unkind comments about her. And, of course the fact that he may have murdered a guy I considered a friend is really bothering me too. That guy was involved in some of the same drug using habits that I was, and we were both on the wrong path, but he didn’t deserve to be killed. He wasn’t a bad guy.

So, all this is stressful, and I suppose this is a chance for me to learn better ways to handle things than doing drugs. But, as I said, to be honest I have been having the urge to use, it seems to be the first thing that pops into my addicted head when things don’t go my way. And it’s making me doubt myself and my ability to handle the difficulties in life that I know are still out there. I need to do some deep thinking and reflection on all of this. I appreciate all the positive energy you can send my way, I think I need it.

Peace ~ Magnum

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  1. Candy says:

    I am so proud of you for staying clean sweetie. I know it has to be hard being locked up with the guy who killed your friend and is now badmouthing another friend. But here’s the deal. You concentrate on doing YOUR time, don’t get caught up in any drama, because you could end up with more time, and I plan on meeting you once you are released! My son is 24 and is doing well too. You are an inspiration sweetie. Okay, I want to ask a favor. Every time you think about this moron you are locked up with, pretend you are talking to a young guy just coming in facing the same scenario. What would you tell him to do? Ignore it, do his time and go home? Or get into a drama and maybe catch a new charge? You are a gifted writer who needs to write a book! New York best seller list! I can totally see it! Keep your head up honey. Addiction is hard. Using is harder. You know that. 🙂

  2. Oren says:

    Hey Magnum,

    You show very good honesty here. One issue I can try to help you with is, stop thinking about the future without drugs. Think about the nows instead. Addiction will win out, only if you let it. Deal what you have on your plate in front of you. Addiction is just a rusty, dirty & forever breaking tool we try to use to fix things. Just do not give up on yourself and when you get out surround yourself with people trying to stay clean, not the ones you were hanging with that got you where you are now.

    If at all possible, distract yourself away from the new inmate that supposedly killed your friend. Do not be drawn to listen as nothing good at all can come from this.

    We out here will be thinking of you and all the transitions you are facing.

    OW

  3. Kathy says:

    Well. I cant say I can imagine how you must feel with that guy in there, because I cant. You will be transferred soon, so hang on. Keep a wide distance between you two and dont let him get to you no matter what he says or does. Dont give him any power. Part of overcoming addiction is learning to get past the cravings. Having them is perfectly normal. Your job is to figure how you will deal with them. Youve come way too far to let anyone or anything bring you back down. It will all work out. You will be moved away from his sorry butt soon. Stay focused, then chalk one up as another accomplishment of many.

  4. Katie says:

    Stay strong. You have come a long way. Don’t give in. Life is so much better when you are actually living it instead of escaping from it. When things are getting you down, try and think about the good times you have had with your family and true friends and all the good times that will come. Distract yourself with positive memories and possibilities for the future and hold on to those tightly when you feel the urge.

  5. Hi Magnum. Yes, it seems that it is a very stressful situation you find yourself in. I would suggest that you stay away from the dude who was arrested for murder. There is a very wise man who once told me to avoid throwing a rock into the mud, because you will end up getting dirty yourself. Believe in the positive, and leave the rest behind!

  6. Gordan says:

    Hey man, I seen your answer to me. Thats cool I didnt think I would hear back. lol. So my people I hang with, they arent bad they dont give me shit or nothing its me. Its like this one chick but she is like me not really a heavy user so i think her and me can hang. But I am backed off since the weekend. I dont have no money anyways. So that dude in there that maybe killed your friend, thats messed up. I wouldnt deal with that. I cant really say how I could talk to my dad he would throw me out the house but I just got to deal with this shit because no offense but the prison sounds shitty to me lol. I will be checking back on here. Throw me a line if you can man cool. from The G-Man