I am tired.

Tired of being here, tired of the classes I am in, tired of the work I do and mostly REALLY tired of this dorm I live in. I am tired of the loud mouths and the bad attitudes. I am tired of the CO’s and tired of the other inmates. I am tired of writing letters to family because there really isn’t any news to talk about with them anymore. I am tired of drinking coffee that tastes like rusty nails. I am tired of having to strip down for every little thing and I am tired of noise and lack of privacy and pretty much just everything about this place. And, sorry, I am tired of writing this blog right now too. That is why I haven’t posted anything in awhile. It feels as if there is nothing left to say.

And that is GREAT news. Because if I wasn’t, something would be seriously wrong with me. No sane man or woman should ever get too used to this. When I get out I don’t want to be one of those who forgets just how crappy it is to be locked up away from everyone and everything you care about and make a stupid mistake and end up back here again. I plan to remember this forever and to use it to make sure I never come back.

Here’s the one awesome thing I am focused on: I am on track to finish up my classes sometime in February. That means that as early as March, I could be released on parole. Now I can start to look forward to the end of this, and start imagining the future and freedom. I can now say that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Before I get out of here, there are still a few things to get past. I need to keep out of trouble for the remainder of the time here. I don’t think that is going to be a problem but then again around here you really don’t know what’s going to go down at any time. All I can do about that is wake up every day and do my best to avoid trouble.

I am going to spend another Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years here too. That sucks. It is a little depressing to think about. There’s not anything to look forward to about that and really my best bet is to just pretend it’s not a holiday and look forward to much better times next year.

I will spend another birthday here as well. That sucks too because I can’t help but notice that I have wasted some of my life here in a very real way. Celebrating a couple birthdays in prison really will make you stop and think about what you have done with your life.

I have said before though, I am not going to let this define me. I believe I have it in me to get a fresh start and to do things different this time. I have been thinking of a few things I can do when I get home to keep on track. I know I will be required to go to AA meetings as part of my parole. When I was on probation before all this happened, I didn’t always appreciate being told I HAD to go to AA. But I have decided that when I get home, one of the things I am going to do is hit a meeting. I am going to walk in there and tell them right off, “I just got out of prison and I don’t want to use or go back to prison, so here I am.”

I am going to volunteer my time if they need help with anything, that way I can stay busy. And, I feel it IS true that if I hang with people trying to do the same thing, I’m more likely to succeed. So, even if I don’t like everything about AA, it will be good to do. I have a lot of other plans too. I am going to try some new things and enjoy some stuff I never had money for when I was spending my pay on drugs and alcohol.

Light at the end of the tunnel. There is something hopeful out there. I can leave this place behind in the rear view mirror and move on down the road in just a few more months.

Sending peace your way ~ Magnum

  1. Amanda says:

    I had a close friend who was in prision. I hope you stay clean. You have a supporters!!! Including me! Stay safe magnum

  2. LauraKay says:

    I just want to thank you for posting on the web. My sister is going through county right now and it’s difficult because none of us live close to where she is at. We feel like we know nothing and your blog has helped us understand what she might be going through.

    • Texas Magnum says:

      You are welcome, Laura. I am very happy to think that this has helped someone out there. I am sorry for what your sister and you are going through, the best thing you can do for her is stay in touch with letters and if possible, put a little money on her books so she can buy items at commissary. It doesn’t need to be a lot, it helps out. I wish I could tell you how to get more information, hang in there. Peace ~

  3. wendy garcia says:

    HEY TXAS MAGNUM I HOPE U HAVENT FORGOTTEN ABOUT Me i WROTE YOU SEVERAL TIMES AND NEVER GOT A REPLY BACK FROM U??? WELL IF U EVER WANT TO TLK HERE MY EMAIL wturner92@ymail.com

    • Texas Magnum says:

      Hi Wendy, I try to answer everyone who is nice enough to write but I don’t see any previous posts from you. Did you use another email for them? Anyway, thank you for writing, now and whenever else you did, it is much appreciated. I am so happy to be out too, it feels great! Already working and everything is looking good so far. Peace!

  4. Amy Lynn says:

    When you get out, just keep re-reading this and remember every time you are faced with an opportunity to use again, “Is it worth my freedom?” You can get caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time in a heartbeat. The best thing we can do is live a simple life, because it is the simple pleasures in life that bring us the most joy. I was only in county jail for 13 days before I got bonded out and that was enough to make me appreciate little things in life like iced tea, being warm or cool by a thermostat, walking around outside without being watched, driving a car, eating whatever I want whenever I want, using exercise equipment… the list could go on and on. The best thing you can do is keep busy. I am going to start a garden and start growing some vegetables. I’m also about to go to school to learn welding. I’m going to pack every moment of every day with something to do. I go off to rehab for 90 days next week, and in the middle of rehab I am going to have my court date that will determine if I go back to county for a few days or if I have to serve serious time in TDCJ for something I can’t control. I have resigned myself to it, but the scary part is just like you said – you find out who your friends are. My own family didn’t even write me or come to visit me while I was in county, and I’m praying they will change their minds while I am in rehab or if I have to go to TDCJ. None of my friends cared where I was, and when I got out and begged them to help me get around to get stuff done or even just come over to hang out and spend time with me, they couldn’t be bothered. “Hey, I only have a few days before I go off to rehab!” No response. It’s okay, I know I need to make new friends anyway. Thank you for this blog, the book suggestions, and the hope you seem to have so firmly rooted. I wish all the best for you.

    • Texas Magnum says:

      Yeah, you really learn who you got when you go to prison or jail. It’s amazing how your so-called friends just disappear when the party is over. I agree that freedom is the prize and I don’t plan to lose it. I will say though, real freedom is inside yourself. Once I got my head together while locked up, I realized I could be free wherever I am, locked up or not, it’s up to me and how I feel. You can too, and you will, once you get this all behind you. My advise is let yourself change and find your freedom inside of yourself, wherever you are.

      I am in a new town now and no old friends to mess with. Just have to meet the right new people and get out there. Just having the freedom to take my dog out for a run is the shit. It’s the simple things you are right. It’s good you are making some plans for yourself and keeping busy. That is the thing. And rehab, is it your choice to go? A 90 day program is long enough to make a real difference if you let it. I went to a couple rehabs myself, the ones that last 30 days are just a push in the right direction but for me the 90 days were better. By about halfway through you are going to think you are ready for the world but stick to it, finish it out. And then after that, you have to stay on track. I didn’t figure it out myself, that is why I ended up in TDC. But you sound smart and like you have plans, make it work for yourself. You really don’t want to go to prison.

      By the way, cool on the welding, I weld myself, and for a while my sister was getting into it and doing some crazy metal art. What interests you about welding? What kind of welding do you want to do?

  5. lucy says:

    This blog is *awesome*. Thanks for sharing your story… just found it. I’m sorry that you ar ethere… it sux…but “It takes what it takes”.

    My favorite quote thus far is…

    “Remember to Remember Always…”

    from one sober friend to another

    • Editor says:

      Hello Lucy, thank you for the comment, I am the editor of the blog and help Magnum get his posts on here. I will pass on your comments to him, he will appreciate them and I do too. Keep up the good work.

  6. Clarissa says:

    Magnum,
    I am in awe of you. I appreciate the things that you have said and the time you take to say them. My boyfriend is going through the same things as you, granted he has only been in jail for 5 1/2 monthes just waiting to hit chain, but I know I can relate to everthing you feel. Sometimes I feel as if I m a prisoner too, I know that isn’t fair of me to say because I am in the fre wotld, but the man I love the most is not by my side. I can only imagine what it is like to have to spend any of your life this way. I know that there are so many people that just want you to be home as much as you do and those are the people to live for right? I know that there is more to hope for, and there is so much time that we all have to spend with eachother. And I think that the hardest part is being away from those who truly care. It is just a stepping stone that you can’t over completley yet, but YES you WILL get there soon. I just want to thank you for your blogs because it has been doing tremendous things for my boyfriend’s mother, she is a n amazing woman and she reads all of your entries. I think it eases her stress in some ways. Keep your head up, is what he always tells us, so that is something that we try our hardest to do. There are so many times when we just want to scream but that will not solve anything, we know. All I can say to you is thank you and to keep your head up too, You have so mny more memories and great times to have in your future and every momont will be amazing!!! Smile there is always hope, and there are more great people like yourself that have to go through similar things everyday, stay strong everything is possible!!!!
    -Clarissa

    • Editor says:

      Hello Clarissa, thank you for your comment, I am the editor of the blog. Magnum sends me the posts and I get them on here. I have sent on your comments to him and I also want to thank you for taking the time to write and encourage him.

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