About Me, Ex-Con, Ex-AddictBy Texas Magnum
I started this blog while incarcerated in the Texas Department of Corrections and Justice – TDCJ. I have been out on parole since March of this year. I am keeping my original entry for this page here below, so you know my story. Now I am working on starting over. I will always have the label “ex-con” to carry with me, and I will always be an addict in recovery. It’s one day at a time, and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Original Post from November, 2010 – “About me – Convicted felon and addict”
I am a 22 (update from the Editor – now 23) year old man who has a history and the personality of addiction, not only to pleasure but to punishment as well. I don’t deny I broke the law and that is why I am imprisoned today.
My crime is I am an addict. I have abused most substances. I have spent a total of about 1 year of my life in various rehabilitation treatment centers over the past 4 years. At first drinking was my major problem. Then I was arrested when I was 19 for “personal possession of a controlled substance, less than 1 gram”. It was meth. By the time I was arrested for meth I already wanted to change my ways, stop drinking and stop using drugs, so I took action.
Thus started my series of trips to rehabs. Always going with the right desires, but as soon as things seemed OK I would pick up once again. Not long ago I had become so involved in my drug use I was shooting meth with heroin into my body. For me that was part of the thrill, knowing I could die from such use. I had become so discouraged with myself that I had attempted suicide. At first I told myself it was an accident but the scar on my wrist reminds me every day that it wasn’t. (Sorry Mom, I am sure you don’t like to read that.) I came very close to death that day, and I now have very limited use of my left hand and wrist. And, shortly after it happened I landed in jail so I haven’t had the physical therapy I probably need.
After leaving the hospital from that incident, I knew I had been given a chance to continue living . But I was already used to that feeling. See, it wasn’t my first near-death experience. So once again I was off and running. This last July, 30 months through my 3 years probation, I got arrested for possession of heroin. I have been in jail ever since.
And now, 3 months later, I have been convicted to 4 years in TDC for the heroin conviction to run concurrent with 1 year in Texas State Jail for the probation violation.
I’m writing this blog not because I want pity but to express the emotions, feelings and thoughts that now come to me, as I sit in jail and face intake into prison. The truth is I feel amazingly free in here. My spirits are high and my will to be happy is stronger than ever. See, in here I have no needle in my arm. I’m beginning to love myself for who I am.
I have never really believed that achievements make you, but rather that you make your achievements. I truly believe this is where I belong and I look forward to learning about myself. I am learning to love my neighbors since arriving here, even when it appears we are polar opposites. Because really, we are all part of the whole and not one of us is better than the other.
And, my attitude has changed. I am not sure why these changes are taking place but I welcome them. So to all of those who may be coming to jail or to prison, it isn’t always so bad and if you’re like me, it might be what you need.