Tag: thanksgiving

Is that light at the end of the tunnel?

I am tired.

Tired of being here, tired of the classes I am in, tired of the work I do and mostly REALLY tired of this dorm I live in. I am tired of the loud mouths and the bad attitudes. I am tired of the CO’s and tired of the other inmates. I am tired of writing letters to family because there really isn’t any news to talk about with them anymore. I am tired of drinking coffee that tastes like rusty nails. I am tired of having to strip down for every little thing and I am tired of noise and lack of privacy and pretty much just everything about this place. And, sorry, I am tired of writing this blog right now too. That is why I haven’t posted anything in awhile. It feels as if there is nothing left to say.

And that is GREAT news. Because if I wasn’t, something would be seriously wrong with me. No sane man or woman should ever get too used to this. When I get out I don’t want to be one of those who forgets just how crappy it is to be locked up away from everyone and everything you care about and make a stupid mistake and end up back here again. I plan to remember this forever and to use it to make sure I never come back.

Here’s the one awesome thing I am focused on: I am on track to finish up my classes sometime in February. That means that as early as March, I could be released on parole. Now I can start to look forward to the end of this, and start imagining the future and freedom. I can now say that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Before I get out of here, there are still a few things to get past. I need to keep out of trouble for the remainder of the time here. I don’t think that is going to be a problem but then again around here you really don’t know what’s going to go down at any time. All I can do about that is wake up every day and do my best to avoid trouble.

I am going to spend another Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years here too. That sucks. It is a little depressing to think about. There’s not anything to look forward to about that and really my best bet is to just pretend it’s not a holiday and look forward to much better times next year.

I will spend another birthday here as well. That sucks too because I can’t help but notice that I have wasted some of my life here in a very real way. Celebrating a couple birthdays in prison really will make you stop and think about what you have done with your life.

I have said before though, I am not going to let this define me. I believe I have it in me to get a fresh start and to do things different this time. I have been thinking of a few things I can do when I get home to keep on track. I know I will be required to go to AA meetings as part of my parole. When I was on probation before all this happened, I didn’t always appreciate being told I HAD to go to AA. But I have decided that when I get home, one of the things I am going to do is hit a meeting. I am going to walk in there and tell them right off, “I just got out of prison and I don’t want to use or go back to prison, so here I am.”

I am going to volunteer my time if they need help with anything, that way I can stay busy. And, I feel it IS true that if I hang with people trying to do the same thing, I’m more likely to succeed. So, even if I don’t like everything about AA, it will be good to do. I have a lot of other plans too. I am going to try some new things and enjoy some stuff I never had money for when I was spending my pay on drugs and alcohol.

Light at the end of the tunnel. There is something hopeful out there. I can leave this place behind in the rear view mirror and move on down the road in just a few more months.

Sending peace your way ~ Magnum

What do I have to be thankful for?

I am sitting here thinking about Thanksgiving which is this coming week and how much that was always a day that I have always enjoyed being with family. I will be missing all of it this year, but the past couple of years it seems that half of the time when it was a holiday or something I was in rehab somewhere anyway.

I am mailing this tomorrow, but no matter what day it gets there, if it gets there before, I want it to get posted the night before Thanksgiving, because I know that is the time when I will probably be thinking a lot about what I am missing on Thanksgiving, and maybe some of you will be too. So this is for all of us.

I see that a lot of mothers of inmates have been the ones that send me comments. A couple have told me I make them think of their own sons and daughters. When I think of my own mother I hope she is going to have a really good day tomorrow. I hope she cooks up a big turkey and all the sides and that she knows I would give anything to be there, heaping up my plateful. I hope after the meal there is nothing but huesos left (that is bones for those of you who don’t speak Spanish.). And I hope somebody helps do the dishes. I hope all of you do the same, and don’t spend too much time feeling sorry for us, your kids that are in prison. We are all OK.

Here in county nobody has said much but I am pretty sure we will get some kind of Thanksgiving meal tomorrow. And I also figure it more than likely isn’t going to be anything like the meals we are all missing at home. But it’s alright.

I for one don’t want to think about what got me here or what I am missing out on but more about what is going to get me back to the other side. I am going to be thankful I am given this opportunity to set new goals for myself and to spend some time getting right. I am thankful that by the time I get out of here I am going to be an uncle, and that my sister is feeling and doing good. I am thankful that I have at least a few people that have remembered I still exist and who care about me. I am thankful I have everything I need already, and now I have a chance to learn what to do with it.

I hope you all have something in mind to be thankful for too.

Happy Thanksgiving and Peace ~ Magnum