Tag: heart

Yell, laugh, cry, scream, fight, or love

I will share something with you. Sometimes when I think about everything I get a heavy feeling in my heart. I think it could easily be mistaken for depression or despair. But it’s not. It’s the will to live, the passion I have for life beyond this reality I’ve set for myself.

It’s like a fire that burns inside of me, and I am not exactly sure how to release it or what’s the best outlet for it. It’s a combination of every emotion – I don’t know if I want to yell, laugh, cry, scream, fight, or love.

If you want to see what I am talking about, it will be easy to see it if you are a dog owner. Go grab the leash and walk over to your door or gate and just stand there. Your dog will be there waiting, I am sure of it, with that look in their eyes and suspense in their voices as they yap for you to hurry up. That is how I feel. Just how that dog wants to get out there and smell it all, taste the world, feel the wind on his face as he runs. More than anything I want to live my my life and be able to appreciate every little thing.

Peace ~ Magnum

“I can” – the strength of those words

Within the last two days, two of my buddies here in the unit got moved. I was really sad to see them go. One in particular had become a really good friend. He was a good dude and I had spent a lot of my days talking and sharing stories and thoughts with him. He was really good at Scrabble! I felt sad for him, as intelligent as he was, he has spent 15 years in prison and was doing another 3 this time. He is the one who described the experience of getting out of prison and wanting to live too much. Like me, he had used heroin and meth. And, previously, getting out had only resulted in him falling back into those old habits again.

It’s funny, because you learn different lessons from the various people you encounter in life. Of course, I had heard the expressions “don’t say you can’t” and “just do it” but I still doubted myself in many areas.

But, after working out with my buddy several times, I started to believe I could do things that previously I had told myself “I can’t.” I would say to him, “dude, I can’t do a handstand” and sure enough, with that attitude, I couldn’t. He encouraged me to believe I COULD do a handstand, to tell myself “I CAN”. After awhile I started to embrace that thinking while we were doing our workouts. Now, I still can’t do a GREAT handstand, but I am doing handstands. I believe I can, I have it in me now, and I am getting there. That is truthfully the only thing that changed in my workout, my attitude went from “can’t” to “CAN”.

To take this in another direction, I have had it in my mind for awhile now that I don’t have to abuse drugs anymore, or live selfishly, and I feel this in my heart. I believe it. I told my buddy in one of our conversations, “You know what, I am not doing it any more. Life is too fragile to die that way.”

The day before he left, I had spent some time talking with him, he was really feeling down. I know why too, I could see it, that same feeling I’ve had when you find yourself in the same damn rut as before, and you wonder if things will ever change.

Well, when I recognized that in his demeanor, I told him, “you know what, it doesn’t have to be this way for us. We just have to stop telling ourselves “can’t”.

I realized right then that has been a lot of my OWN problems in the past. I have made a firm decision now that I am not gonna allow myself to let my life fall apart behind selfish desires. Heroin, meth, all that crap, it isn’t worth it.

My friend thanked me that night for being a positive influence on him. Imagine that – a 39 year old man thanking ME for influencing him. If I can influence him then I can damn well do the same thing for myself.

You know, life is crazy. Sometimes it seems you meet someone for awhile, then they are just gone from your life again. It seems that you are supposed to take that experience and what you learned from it, and share it with another, pass it along. Take the good from anything you can and leave the bad behind.

For many of us who are incarcerated, it’s time to leave our childish ways behind and to become real men. We CAN become men who use our hearts and minds above their fists, and men who act for reasons beyond selfishness. Men who CAN succeed and enjoy living free.

Ha, it’s just like Obama says —  “Yes, we can.”

Peace out ~ Magnum

Fights over the TV in jail – Small things change a man

Today is Saturday and of course, a fight almost broke out due to the TV, and most likely there will be a fight tonight as well.

A circumstance like this truly makes me think about the differences in inmates and how we decide to carry ourselves. On one side you have a type of man who has the mindset that prison was made for reacting. When I say reacting I mean that they react out on instinct and fear when a confrontation arises. They react with their fists first, not with their mind and heart. I believe that some men just cannot swallow their pride, and cannot be OK with not being the big man, the one with the final say so.

Of course, in here you can’t let yourself get preyed on but you don’t have to fight if you don’t want, especially if you are not in danger. Who is the bigger man, the one who raises his fist or the one who prays for the other? My opinion is the one who prays for the other. It is easier said than done, but just as I decided to start a blog today, I also have to decide to grow, one step at a time.

I believe that even the small things change a man. You may see many inmates keep their personal areas a mess, so start by cleaning yours, and keeping it clean. This way you practice discipline. When someone angers you, pray for the individual. This way you can practice a little humility. These are the things I have personally decided to do, and I feel that these small things will help me in my journey of not returning to this place called prison.

As they say, “Life’s a trip” so I might as well enjoy the ride. There is no reason in me being miserable any more. Today is a new day, and another day that I’m going to say “yes I can.”

Peace be with you all,
Magnum Edit/Delete Message